Over the years, I have been seeing myself standing wearily and helplessly at the center of a circle, tied up with tasks, burdens, problems, annoyance, and responsibilities which are rushing in upon and striking hard against my bleary soul. Apparently at every brand new day that I got up to, it seems to me that I have a dozen different things to do, a dozen problems to solve and a dozen strains to endure.
Everyday, I may make progresses. Every step I took may be fruitful. But yet, there stretch out before me an ever-lengthening, ever-ascending and ever-improving path which seems to lead to no-where. One thing for sure. I am getting really exhausted... Extremely tired I should say and I am afraid that I might not have the mental and physical strength to get to the end of this long, arduous journey. Struggling against a rapid current, with strong waves often beating me back and baffling me is a suffering...
Great passions can elevate the soul to conquer great things, but at the current state that I am in right now, I believed I had lost the dreams and the goals that I once had for those people. Personally, it feels good to know that you have helped develop and influence someone for a change, a positive change, but it totally hurts when you see yourself remaining stagnant in your area of responsibilities and not achieving anything significant.
Most of the nights while lying flat down on my bed, with most of my physical energy drained by the entire day's activities, I will uncontrollably doubt on my ability to hold on. How far more will I be able to move? How long more will I be able to endure? But usually even before I get the answers to these questions, I would have fallen into a deep dreamless sleep through the night, which I hope I will never ever get up to...
Maybe, just maybe. A conclusion is the ultimate solution to end all these troubles that I am facing. To others, it may not be a perfect ending, or to a certain extent, it may seem that I am running away from the problem, but at least to me, I am certain that, by doing so, I will be free of problems that I hate to face. I always wanted a happy ending.
Probably when I am gone, things will get better. For them and also for myself. I do not know... No one knows...
No matter how perfect the day is, it always has to end.
I have decided. 12 September 2008 that is. 13 days from now. Less than 2 weeks to go. I will bring a complete halt to everything. A full-stop to the last and final sentence of this story that I have created... I really want to forget all the past and unhappy episodes of my life and I want to move on. I promise.
And this, I promise, will never be a broken promise again...
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