2008 is finally over and the last night of the year had ended so abruptly with me being kept busy with all the army-related assignments that were given. No countdowns, no celebrations, no gatherings... To me, the new year doesn't seem to have any much significant changes from the last and everything had proceeded on like any other normal day. One thing for sure, my mind then was still being bothered by the same old problem that was carried over since the night she left...
Generally, the first week of 2009 was not an easy one for me. I'm stuck in camp and many bad things had happened. One surprises after another. Confinement in camp, training day and night, meeting new friends, new commanders and new buddy after the 2 weeks of Common Leadership Module... No freedom, no life and no motivation. I just misses home and I misses her deeply.
However, just a few days back, things had changed. Probably changed for the better I would say. After so many months of anticipation, I have finally gotten her anwers that I have been searching so hard for. In fact, she did not give me a direct answer but I am actually expecting for the worst.
I respect her and I will respect her decision no matter what..
Yes, to a certain extent, I did felt sad and I did felt really lost, but I know that and I kept telling myself that in order for me to reduce the pain, I must get it over with soon. I have to face the reality for there is no reason for me to avoid anything. Definitely, her hints had left a hard impact on me as I have treated everything so seriously then...but still, history have repeated itself again.
Thinking back, I really hated myself for not appreciating things when there are any chances for me to do so. Maybe, just maybe. In life, destiny wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the right person, we can know how to be grateful for that gift. Just like what I had told my close friends, such things are only part and parcel of life and it is through such pain that we will learn to appreciate the people around us... At least now that I have made known her answer clearly, I can choose to stay focus in my trainings. For me, being kept busy is one way to forget all the unhappy stuff and that is the reason why I did not complain much when I got to report back to camp for duty on the second day of Lunar New Year. There is really no point for me to stay out of camp when I know that I will not be doing anything much outside. Staying and being free will only allow the memories we shared to flood in, and that is the pain that I want to and I am trying my best to avoid...
I have to and I must remain strong.
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Depression is not sobbing, not crying or giving vent. It is plain and simple reduction of feelings. Now that I'm all alone, I know that I'm not supposed to care. I'm not supposed to live my life wishing you were there. I'm not supposed to wonder where you are, who you are with or what you do...
For now, this is what I want her to know. Dream what you want to dream. Go where you want to go. Be what you want to be because you have only one life, one chance to do all the things you want to do in life. Most importantly, do not regret upon any decisions that you have make..
As for myself, to be commissioned as an army officer is my only goal in life right now, after which I will further my studies to persue my dream. I must excel in everything I do. Thank God, at least I have something to aim for in such situation. No distractions, no diversion. Personal pride and honour is one thing, but for my family and friends who have been morally supporting me and encouraging me all the way, I will work hard for it. I promise, even if it brings much suffering on me... I must let all of you know that you guys are the reason why I am working so hard for. All the sweat, all the pain, all the tears and all the aches are nothing whenever I think of your encouragements. For all of you, I will endure and I will persevere. I will prove my mettle and worth.
It only takes a smile to make my day seem bright and that is the main reason why I still kept all the sincere short messages that each of you had sent to me. Every night when I am feeling down and lying all alone in bed, I will look at them to provide me with the motivation. Physical injuries and pains can be endured and it only requires a short time to recover, but mental pain creates a greater impact and once it has been hurt, it will take a life-time to recuperate.
Every step I take, every move I make, every single day and every night I pray, I will be thinking of all your words of motivation...
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Thank you my friends.
Thank you for making me know that I am not walking this path alone. Really, it will be a long walk down the lonely road without you...
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