Faith

What is the purpose behind the sword?

Is responsibility that important to the extent that I live for others and screwing up mine?

I just feel so out of the world. I know it doesn't seem quite appropriate to ask this question at this point when I have almost endured through the 38-weeks long of Officership training leaving with only 7 more weeks to go... But every night as I fall back onto the bed to rest for the day, I have been questioning myself, doubting if all the sacrifaces that I have made to earn the sword is worth it all...

Just the day before, I have completed yet another 24km route-march right after a 10km CSB run in 48 minutes and what I have benefited from it all was truly nothing else but more muscle aches, blisters and pain...What exactly is the pride or honour that everyone is talking about? How far will they bring me even after the two years of service?

Almost every other week, I have been booking out, returning home with certain extent of injuries or pain sustained during training and in view of that, my family have been asking me to give up on this tough officership training that I am going through. I know they really concern and care a lot about me, but all that I can tell them is that I want to make the best out of everything that I am doing. At least, that is a principle I want to live up to.

However, in the journey of earning the prestige, I have unintentionally hurt them in many ways. My words, my actions, my thoughts... Maybe, not just only them, but many of my close friends as well.

I really don't know why I am working so hard for...ultimately, it is just two plain years of National Service... Everything around me is getting screwed up and my motivation to push on is no longer there. I am really disappointed. Very very disappointed indeed, and I hope I can get out of this cruel place to somewhere where life is filled with hopes and where people are not selfish creatures who only care about themselves. This world that I am living in now is never that beautiful as I have thought...

It is more than just emo-ing... more than just breaking down... It is almost depression.

Life is unfair...